 Opinion
I think the best way to start what I want to share with my readers is to carefully distinguish the difference between loneliness and being alone. I have come to realize that Paul Tillich beautifully simplifies this in his book The Eternal Now: “Our language has wisely sensed the two sides of being alone. It has created the word ‘loneliness’ to express the pain of being alone. And it has created the word ‘solitude’ to express the glory of being alone.” Solitude is something I highly recommend to not only my Clients, but my friends and family too. It is almost necessary in our post modern hectic lives to seek some time for inner reflection and quiet contemplation to tune our thoughts and energies for the coming days. However, let’s give solitude the solitude it needs to examine an almost epidemic suffering most major cities tend to have.
In the past six months I have met many people (and this includes friends, acquaintances and Clients) who complain about how lonely London as a city can be. The emphasis has been on the word lonely, and the toll it has taken on their quality of life. Like most major cities London is a giant metropolis that offers a rich history, cultural variety, a cosmopolitan vibe and an ever growing centre for trends and fashion. Like most cities, London has a relatively high crime rate, its pace is fast, and generally people can be closed, aggressive, withdrawn and even angry. Though culturally diverse, London is a giant hub of many sub-cultures where people stick to their own group of friends, thus coming across as closed and highly cynical to a potential newcomer. Time and time again, clients confess to me how they spend most of their weekends alone feeling isolated and withdrawn. In spite of their rewarding jobs and financial security, their lives lack the richness and warmth of closeness and community that they don’t feel they can get from the city. They feel that the place that they are most likely to obtain this are small towns but the flipside is that small towns may not be as vibrant and exciting as a city. Ultimately, it’s the people that define the location. As the old saying goes, if you want to better your world, better yourself. The question is why are more and more people finding big city life unfulfilling and gloomy?
In spite of the above generalisation, many Londoners cherish their lives in the “big smoke” as it’s affectionately called. They have challenging careers, an exciting social life and constantly engage themselves in the opportunities that surround them. They go to galleries and museums, they can have meals from any region imaginable, they take dance classes, Tai Chi or Yoga, not to mention concerts and free lectures on Egyptology. They literally spend each of their 7 day week doing something fun, engaging and different. So it’s only fair to ask: Is city life lonely? Or can one shift their perspective and attitude to make the most of where they live?
The answer is yes to both of those questions. People in cities are generally more stressed and cautious than other non city folk. They can be closed and reluctant to start new friendships. However, this does not mean that they are not human. It’s just that their shells are thicker than average, and thus require a harder tap to crack. Let’s explore the options that are at hand to shift your loneliness into fun time on your own and with others.
1) Know yourself. Identify what you truly enjoy doing, list your interests and research venues, clubs and societies that you can get involved with.
2) If people in your city are closed and aggressive, you don’t have to be. One of the most powerful ways to change other people’s behaviour is to change your own. Greet people with an open face, smile often (it won’t cost you a thing) and deliberately small talk with people you interact with at the shops, bank or post office. The key is to be approachable.
3) Appear interested in others. Ask open questions. Listen with your eyes, ears and friendly body language. Make sure you send out a vibe that tells others you’re warm and fun. Time and time again, tourists and non locals ask me for directions. They almost choose me from 30 feet away although there are lots of people around. Reason being is I walk with my head up as I sustain a friendly expression.
4) Deliberately start a casual conversation with someone in a bar, or café. Converse for the sake of conversing and not to build a life long friendship. Finish off with: “Well, it was really nice talking to you. Hope to see you around again soon” This way, you won’t come on too hard and come across as unthreatening.
5) It’s the 21st Century and there are many new ways to interact, chat and get to know like minded people. Keep an open mind and consider up to date avenues that can expose you to potential new life enhancing friendships and experiences
The enigma that we all search for to obtain a better life actually lies within us because our intention and perception shifts are the real magic that can give us a new life without changing our lives. We all have choices and ways to better and enrich our lives, the key is to be tenacious, flexible and embrace life with gusto. People are always attracted to fun, exciting and passionate people – bring out that person in you.
“Set your dial to happiness! You owe it to yourself to laugh more, Play more, and fully embrace the experience Of life.” Dr. S. Jeffers
Until Next Time……Live, Don’t Just Exist!
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Listen to Interview with Taymour Qabazard